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Wasting away life


I've been spending money here and there like I don't give a damn about tomorrow.
Mostly for food and nomikai.
Some for shopping.
I wanted to buy cute clothes but I ended up buying new jeans and sneakers.
Sorry, couldn't resist.

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I also eat a lot but as usual I don't really gain weight so nothing is stopping me from spending money on food either.

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It's July.
And I feel...............I don't know. I'm still trying to adjust to this new environment.
And trying to maintain good relationships with people around me.

Life has been complicated.

I've been thinking about....stuff that has been happening in the past 4 months.....
Not work, but relationships.....and stuff.......

I've always believed that I'm a worthless person nobody wants to be with.
That's how I perceive any approach directed to me.
I'm happy if someone I like wants to be with me, but
I also deserve to be alone because I have nothing good I can give to anyone.
I always imagine the worst. And then laugh at myself when that happens.
(More evidence pointing to how worthless I am).
This is like....my hobby. Guilty pleasure. Whatever you call it.

Sometimes I feel sad about it.
But since high school my head is always filled with how worthless I am and how I deserve nothing good from anyone and how I will never be anyone's number one............and these thoughts haven't changed.

That's why I never feel angry or.......too sad when anyone doesn't want to accompany/hang out with me.
I feel lonely, sure, but I understand whatever your reason is. I will never argue. You guys have your own lives..
Trash like me doesn't have the right to be in yours.

I don't know why I feel.....a bit at ease when I think about the worst scenario of my life.
Like.....I will never have to deal with people if I die alone? I won't cause them much trouble anymore if I disappear?

It's not like I want to die.
Uh, sorry, yes I want to die someday. But not now. There are still worse things to come in my life and I have yet to enjoy that.........ha ha.......
(Why the hell would people want to live forever in this deteriorating world anyway?)

I'll be alright. Don't bother worrying about me.

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♥vachuu♥

Author:♥vachuu♥
I speak nonsense.
英語は母国語ではないけど英語を使うのが好きな人。

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