★+チョコライト+★

ダメ人間のブログ

2017年05月

DATE

  • 2017.05.07(日)
  • Happy
  • このページのトップへ

Life always fucks me up


I used to have no plan every weekend and still felt fine, but since I started working at my department this month I've been feeling this overwhelming sense of loneliness lately.
I used to enjoy staying in my room doing things alone but I don't enjoy it as much as before lately.
Like seriously. I feel this urge to go out and meet someone, anyone, just sit and talk for hours and hours.
But of course nobody has time for that.

Shit.

I know the real reason though.
I never thought I would write something like this on this blog but ugh I can't help it.

For the first time ever in my life, I like another human.
I hated humans. Thought I would never fall in love.
But shit
I don't know why I like this guy so much that it hurts.

My friends tell me that I deserve a better guy.
But still.
He's the one I want right now.

But it's too complicated.
I probably have to give up.

Life always fucks me up.
Every time something good happens, something really bad will follow and prevent me from getting what I want. LOL
4 years having a boyfriend and I felt nothing?
Now when I finally feel 'something', life is suddenly harder for me?
Shit.
Whatever.

カテゴリー:未分類

Stupid


I repeated the same mistake I made in the past.
It was probably a mistake.
Ah, definitely a mistake.
Why did I fall for that shit again?

Talked with my friend for two hours about this.
And I come to the conclusion again:

I was stupid.
I shouldn't have done it.

But it already happened and I can't go back to the past to change it.
I've been thinking about this again and again in the past few days.
I can't get it out of my head.
Like
Why the fuck did I do that.
I can think of a few reasons.

1. I hate myself so much that I didn't care about whatever the consequences would be (oh yes I deserve it)
2. Life is too boring and I want the thrill

I just want to laugh about it and move on with life if possible,
but like my friend said, nobody knows what will happen in the future as the consequences of my action.
I might get...killed? LOL.

I don't know what I want in this life anymore.
I can only pray that someday everything would finally turn out to be better for me.
I shall...persevere... I won't give up on life that easily.

カテゴリー:未分類

Happy


I broke up with my boyfriend three days ago.
It felt.......good. I'm not sad at all. Nothing really changes in my life, except less LINE chats.
4 years is a freaking long time. It's my whole college life. I was stupid....
To be honest, I first thought of ending it on the first week we got together but I didn't have the courage to. I thought my feelings would change later. That I would grow to like him and forgive whatever he did to me.
But it didn't change. Even after 4 years together, I still don't like him much.
There's always something that keeps me from liking him. We just don't match.

His looks is not my type and even tho people say looks doesn't matter, it kept bothering me.
He loves that country, while I hate that country.
He's too smart; everything I can do he can do even better.
He's never satisfied with me. I always feel worthless when I talk to him.
There's no love between us but we used each other for personal benefits.

I can't say exactly why I stayed. It's complicated. I bought his kindness and ended up depending too much on him.
I was a bad person too.

Ah... I'm sort of proud of myself of finally ending it.
I'm a way too nice person and a stupid one too.

There has been a lot of new things in my life lately.
I thought my life would be boring, but it seems to get more interesting from now on......
In high school, I would never have thought of having a boyfriend, having a breakup, or doing things that normal young people do here in the future. I used to think no guy would want to be with me, that I would forever be that emo girl who hates everyone, that I would never have a crush on someone, that I would die as a virgin...
But my life.....turns out to be more normal than I thought. LOL.........
Like really normal. And fun lately.
I'm just really glad I got the opportunity to leave my hometown after high school.

I've been feeling really really happy lately. I got to hang out with my friends and colleagues during the GW holiday. Also got to spend time with someone I really like. Everything is moving really fast lately, but I hope for the best. It's going to be hard, but I will try my best to survive my working life.

BBRK0065es.jpg

BQJM4516es.jpg

RNLB7604es.jpg

URWH0407es.jpg

カテゴリー:未分類

Life update


I haven't updated this blog for more than a month. My life has changed a lot since the last time I updated this blog. I just finished a month training last week and will start working at my department from next week. It's Golden Week holiday here right now.

There are a lot of things that happened.
I don't know where to start. Probably won't write about them all here.
All I can say is that I'm thankful of everything in my life right now.
It takes a while to get used to this new environment, but I'm glad that people I meet so far are nice.
I really really like my colleagues. They're all very nice and we all get along well.
The 2 month training in Tochigi was one of the best times of my life.
Call me exaggerating things, but I haven't felt this happy in the past few years.
It feels like I was back in my junior high school years again.

I'm happy.

Like, really really genuinely happy.
It feels surreal.
What is this feeling??? LOL

And this is why lately I decided to stay honest to myself, and say and do whatever I have in my mind.
If I'm always as passive as I was in my high school and university years, nothing good will happen in my life.
That's at least what I learn so far in life.

Many good things happened in the last few days to me.
I don't know where this will take me, whether this will turn out to be as I wished or not, but I made a promise to myself that I will not give up my goals no matter how hard it is.
I realize more and more everyday that I really like living here.
Probably the depressing news from my hometown contributed to my judgement, but I've always been like this since I was small. I've never liked my hometown and had always wanted to go out because I feel that I don't belong there (the native people always hate my kind anyway). I've always enjoyed talking to foreigners since I was in junior high school. Making friends on the internet when I was 14 years old was the one of the happiest times of my life. Why hadn't I realized that before?

It seems that I'm attracted more to foreigners than to people from my hometown.
And I also don't want to go back to my hometown.

Maybe I should just marry a local person here and live here peacefully.
Don't know whether I could achieve that, but that's my goal so far.
Work hard, marry someone who wants to live here forever (lol....), and live the rest of my life peacefully here, away from the conflicts of religions/discrimination against my kind/corruption etc. that's been going on forever in my hometown.

カテゴリー:未分類

だっくくろっく

プロフィール

♥vachuu♥

Author:♥vachuu♥
I speak nonsense.
英語は母国語ではないけど英語を使うのが好きな人。

最新記事

リンク

BKM//friends「友達」

カテゴリ

月別アーカイブ

+チョコライトカウンター+

検索フォーム

ブロとも申請フォーム