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2016年05月

DATE

  • 2016.05.24(火)
  • Lost
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Weekend getaway 5月13日~15日


I went to Izu with my juniors in the middle of May. A week after Golden Week.
What was I doing, going on a trip with juniors? Aren't you supposed to be like, looking for job?
Yes, it's called running away from reality.
I know I don't have much money but I still spent it on this trip anyway.
I've been to Izu before with my zemi. Yet I still went.
I couldn't get into the holiday mood though. I didn't take many photos. Didn't even take any photo of myself.
But anyway, I feel like posting these photos today, before I forget to post it.... It's already June, I know. It's a late post.


Ah, I wish I could be happy like this guy.

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First day's dinner.

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Second day.
The beach.

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I was the only one who wore sneakers to beach.

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Lunch

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Last lunch before going home.

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The trip was fun. We had BBQ in the balcony and watched two movies (rented them from Tsutaya) during our 2 night stay there.



カテゴリー:未分類

Dirty little secret




Been listening to this song again lately.
Okay.
I feel like doing this cos I'm bored.

My dirty little secrets:
- I have a fetish for older guys who are tall, lean, pale as fuck and looks intimidating. (ghosts..?)
- I like couples with age-gaps, but only with the guy being the older one and the girl being not a child anymore.
- Old woman - young man couple kind of disgusts me.
- I like long legs.
- I haven't cleaned my room for months.
- I got along better with boys than with girls in elementary school.
- In elementary school, I threw a paper airplane out of the window in class, my teacher found the airplane and my friend was blamed for it instead.
- I did not do my experiment during chemistry final practical exam in high school, I acted like I was doing the experiment well but I basically filled out the report with things I remembered from previous reports when the teacher wasn't looking at me.
- In my uni's entrance interview, I said that I read the Harry Potter books but in reality I've only ever read a few paragraphs from the last chapter and the epilogue.
- I like to be ignored and want to be invisible most of the time.
- In high school, I wanted to die young. I still want to die young. Preferably before 25.
- I like to imagine myself being dead and have people mourning over me.
- I want to be cremated.
- Having any big event celebrated for me embarrasses me. I can't actually imagine getting married and having a ceremony at all. But I can imagine my funeral somehow.
- I can't imagine my life 5-10 years from now. I have nothing I want to do or look forward to.
- I can't bring myself to end my own life.
- I don't love my boyfriend. Hell, I don't even love anyone, or anything at all in this world.
- I hardly contact my parents. They hardly contact me.
- I wanted to live abroad because I like being alone.
- I still can't forgive someone.
- I feel worthless all the time.

カテゴリー:未分類

Lost


I am supposed to apply for more companies...yet I cannot find any company that I want to apply to.
This is bad. Really bad.
This is very worrying. I know. I should panic. Ha. Ha. Ha.
I have only applied for 5 companies so far. Normal people should have applied for 20-50 companies.

I tried to apply for IT companies, but apparently failed.
Actually......kind of expected that. Because I don't really have the desire to work in IT company...?
I'll just assume that God doesn't want me to make my eyesight even worse.
Of course, I remember that I had an internship at IT company and I just couldn't like programming.
Perhaps that was a sign.
I should have noticed that.
If I couldn't find any enjoyment in it, I shouldn't have considered to try it anymore.

But okay my situation is really really bad.
Basically I fail almost everything. Almost.
Ah, I don't want to put my hopes too high. I don't want to get too disappointed.

I'm scared though. Kinda stressed.
I can't bring myself to do the things I normally do anymore.
My mind is too preoccupied with this problem that I neglect to clean my apartment for 3 months.
I don't watch the TV anymore. I don't watch the TV shows I used to follow anymore.
I can't wake up early in the morning because I always sleep at 2 am now.

I just hope that my job hunting will end before summer......
I'm so hopeless and pathetic.
To this day, I still don't know what kind of work I want to do.

Damn. I hate writing blog posts like this.
It's so depressing. I don't like to read it again. But I have no one I can talk to.
People are busy. This is merely a platform to express my thoughts.
I hope I can hug anyone near me but only my cat plushies are available.

I hope the day I got the job offer will come and I can treat my dear friend who treated me taco rice last Sunday to cheer me up.......
Ah....I envy cheerful and confident people.

I need to write more cheerful blog post.
Perhaps I should spam this blog with things I'm obsessed about, just to make myself happy once in a while.

カテゴリー:未分類

現実逃避......


I just fucked up another job interview. Congratulations to me.
First interview, entry sheet, web test,....and finally got to the interview before the final one but I damn right fucked it up.
I'm just really bad at this kind of thing. Everything went fine....until I slipped out a too honest answer and let people know my insecurities.
Ah, yeah.
Right at that time, I know that I won't stand a chance getting into the last interview.
Why the fuck did I say those damn things???
Well, I don't know. If I don't get the job (which is the most possible outcome, because fuck who would want to someone like me), I'll just say that I'm glad cos deep in my heart I don't want to do 営業 and the job seems tough.
Ah, I don't wanna care.
I'll be waiting for another お祈りメール. Thanks.
I need to start applying for another job.

I never seem to be able to get anything right in my life.
Oh well, time goes on, and it's already too late to apply for most big companies.
Not that there is any specific company I really want to work at.
That's my problem.
I have no interest in working in any of the companies I have looked at so far.
What can I do with my major? Lots of things. But none stirs the passion in me.

Now I'm considering to apply for the field I've been avoiding because it's certainly BAD for my health, and I did an internship which I quit within one month because I just couldn't like programming.
So why am I applying though?????
I don't want to sit in front of computers most of the time, but that seems to fit my personality the most.
Oh yeah, think I should try and apply. Might actually fit me. And kill me later.

I don't know. Do I think that I might enjoy programming? ..........I'm not so sure.
I've only been applying for manufacturing companies, but then while I like the concept of producing things, there's no job in that field that I can do that I actually like.
To get closely involved in the actual manufacturing process, I'll have to be a science graduate. Which, unfortunately, I'm not.

It's not the language problem I'm experiencing (I speak Japanese perfectly fine) but it's just that I can't find any motivation to work so the lack of enthusiasm definitely shows in interviews.
This job hunting might continue until summer. Yeah, my situation is this bad.
I couldn't bring myself to apply to many companies because I couldn't find anything that interest me in them.

People around me always say that there's an option to just leave Japan and go back home.
But I DO NOT WANT THAT.
First,
I don't love Japan so much that I don't want to leave it in particular but Japan is the most likely place I would be able to find a job in if I still want to stay abroad.
Yeah, that's right, I still want to live abroad.
Anywhere that has four seasons cos I hate heat.
Second,
I have nothing I want to do back in Indonesia other than marrying someone rich and enjoy my life going to malls everyday, traveling around the world every holiday, and taking instagram photos of fancy food I eat at fancy cafes/restaurants.
Yeah. Seriously. I cannot imagine myself working there or driving a car to work, let alone use the public transportation everyday. I still have no faith in the public security of the city I grew up in. Being a minority doesn't help me to feel any more secure. I feel more secure in Japan because everyone here fucking looks like ME and people here are so busy with themselves that they don't give a damn about what you believe in.
Third,
I want to do whatever I want to do while I'm still young and one the things I want to do is to live abroad, improve my language and communication skills, while trying to find what I really want to do in this life.......NOT getting married to someone just because I'm of age already and suffer the consequences of unprotected sex for the rest of my life (read: children), yet.

I feel like I never had my youth while I'm supposed to have it during my school years.
This is why I still need lots of time for myself. I want my youth. I don't want to be an adult with responsibilities other than taking care of myself too fast.
It's so sad how I spent most of my teenage years stressing over how I picked the wrong school, the wrong major, etc. and never get to enjoy the time I had.
I just remember that I cried a lot at home and skipped school a lot with various reasons I devised. Parents just went along with it cos they couldn't stand seeing me so stressed. Even asked me if I wanted to change school.
I always skipped the school field trip. Whenever it's not required for me to go to school, I always stayed at home, even though my friends were going.
My world only revolved around school and grades.
I had no interest in pursuing any relationship.
Oh yes, it's an accomplishment that I never did anything inappropriate during high school. No drama for me.
There must be '16 and pregnant' girls out there....but then there are people like me: '16 and depressed'. I still prefer the latter. Hahaha.

I will never fall in love with anyone, probably. But I don't want to be alone. I'll have to learn to lie. (but I'm so bad at it)
Part of me still believes that I will eventually meet someone who shares the same things I enjoy in life, same joke, same dreams.......ah.

What am I talking about.
Ah, okay, I admit that I've been thinking about my future a lot, and I actually want to get married someday and have children and settle somewhere safe and nice. Ideally it's with someone I really really like. Someday. Might be like more than 10 years from now but we'll never know.
I don't want to be a cat lady even though I may seem to look like I want to be one!

Anyway,
I'm going hiking tomorrow.
Fuck this life.
I want to climb climb climb and roll down the mountain and never see the sun again.
I
need
stress
relieve

カテゴリー:未分類

Depressed


I'm so depressed today.
Woke up at 11.
Didn't go to church because I don't want to meet people.
Locked myself inside my room for the entire day, and ate cup ramen, ham, and cereal for dinner.
(I had more normal food for lunch tho)
I just don't give a fuck.
But I just cooked 5 slices of ham and when I was about to put them into my plate one of them fell down to the sink, mixed with all the filth in it.
BYE.

and btw now my stomach hurts.
I have job interview tomorrow which I haven't even prepared for.

#thefuck #whatkindofpostisthis

カテゴリー:未分類

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♥vachuu♥

Author:♥vachuu♥
I speak nonsense.
英語は母国語ではないけど英語を使うのが好きな人。

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