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Summer please end soon.


My summer holiday is ending in less than 24 hours.
Feels weird.
I rarely update this blog now so I don't know where to start.
I wonder if there is still anyone reading this blog and wondering where I went,
because I don't even update my facebook anymore (I probably would...later when I feel like it).

I'm still alive.
A bit tired after a long week away from home, but still fine.

First of all, I turned 24 this month. I spent my birthday working.......and eating yakiniku + drinking afterwards.

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In case you're wondering why I'm not in the middle,
the guy next to me shares the same birthday as me, and the guy next to him has birthday on the next day.

I also got presents.

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The first person who said happy birthday to me was my male colleague.
The second person was my ex.
The third person was N. (he didn't come to my apartment this year tho, LOL)
A couple of people said happy birthday to me on facebook but I haven't replied to them because I'm too lazy.
That's all about my birthday.

Ah.....
There isn't much I can write?
I had 9 days of summer holiday. I spent my holiday traveling with my family but there isn't really much I want to write about here. Only that it was the first time the four of us could gather together in 4 years.
Too bad I don't live in a big apartment anymore.

I'll be back to work tomorrow.

My mood lately.......has been pretty weird.
I don't feel like writing too much about my private life.
I don't even talk about it with other people much. I used to tell my ex about the things I do everyday when we were still together because he always asked me, but now I rarely chat on SNS with anyone. I just.......stopped initiating conversation or replying much. Won't write anything unless I have to reply to messages or send images to group. I only talk to people I meet at work everyday.

I feel like I'm becoming more and more distant from people around me......
This is.........not good?
I kinda feel more at peace this way, but I worry for my communication skill.
I'm so gonna die doing my current job. I will suffer. My job is so against my nature. LOL

I know that I have to get my shit together now that I'm 24. (shit it's 25 next year).
That's why lately I've been thinking about a lot of things...........and came to this conclusion

1. I'll do whatever I want to do before I die......as soon as possible. I have a list.
2. I don't give a damn about relationships anymore, dealing with humans is too troublesome. I won't look for anyone (well shit I never looked for anyone actually so nothing will change) and probably won't get married unless I found someone similar to me (this is like 99% impossible)
People around me can get married and get pregnant while I'll just be here like haha good for you.

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Wasting away life


I've been spending money here and there like I don't give a damn about tomorrow.
Mostly for food and nomikai.
Some for shopping.
I wanted to buy cute clothes but I ended up buying new jeans and sneakers.
Sorry, couldn't resist.

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I also eat a lot but as usual I don't really gain weight so nothing is stopping me from spending money on food either.

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It's July.
And I feel...............I don't know. I'm still trying to adjust to this new environment.
And trying to maintain good relationships with people around me.

Life has been complicated.

I've been thinking about....stuff that has been happening in the past 4 months.....
Not work, but relationships.....and stuff.......

I've always believed that I'm a worthless person nobody wants to be with.
That's how I perceive any approach directed to me.
I'm happy if someone I like wants to be with me, but
I also deserve to be alone because I have nothing good I can give to anyone.
I always imagine the worst. And then laugh at myself when that happens.
(More evidence pointing to how worthless I am).
This is like....my hobby. Guilty pleasure. Whatever you call it.

Sometimes I feel sad about it.
But since high school my head is always filled with how worthless I am and how I deserve nothing good from anyone and how I will never be anyone's number one............and these thoughts haven't changed.

That's why I never feel angry or.......too sad when anyone doesn't want to accompany/hang out with me.
I feel lonely, sure, but I understand whatever your reason is. I will never argue. You guys have your own lives..
Trash like me doesn't have the right to be in yours.

I don't know why I feel.....a bit at ease when I think about the worst scenario of my life.
Like.....I will never have to deal with people if I die alone? I won't cause them much trouble anymore if I disappear?

It's not like I want to die.
Uh, sorry, yes I want to die someday. But not now. There are still worse things to come in my life and I have yet to enjoy that.........ha ha.......
(Why the hell would people want to live forever in this deteriorating world anyway?)

I'll be alright. Don't bother worrying about me.

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Weak


This week is such a tiring week for me.

I've never felt so weak in my life before.
But I still remember everything that happened yesterday.
I was so tired but stayed conscious all the time.

We hugged.
I slept on his lap and he caressed my back gently,
I kept holding his hands.

All happened in front of everyone.

He rode his bike and went home, while the other colleagues and I rode taxi to the station.
But that night no one was going my way, so I rode the train and went home alone.

When I arrived home, he messaged me asking if I got home safely and if I was okay.
He's the only one asking me. None of the other colleagues (even the one I meet everyday) did.

We hadn't met/contacted each other since two weeks ago, since we made it clear that nothing's gonna happen between us, at least for now.
I totally didn't expect him to still care about me.
But he surprised me again.
Just like that time when he randomly appeared in front of my mansion with his new motorcycle.


Haha.
I still feel tired today. But happy. Thank you.
I feel blessed being surrounded by nice people.

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Shit.


It's July already.
Three months have gone since I started working.
Ah.

A lot of things happened in my life.
I feel overwhelmed.
I'm not in the mood of writing about it anywhere.
It's just...............ah.

I don't know what to feel. Lonely? Sad? Scared? Annoyed? Self-loath? A mix of all of them. Breakup, new apartment, new city, new environment, working life, new people, new drama.. Yeah shit. Everything that has happened reminds me again of how troublesome people can be.
But I'm going to have to deal with people everyday in my job so...I'm doomed. Ahahaha.

I'm still not used to all of these.
When it's weekend, I suddenly have no plan and I'm always left alone.
But wasn't I always alone too and didn't I enjoy it? lol. Right.

But the problem now is that I don't enjoy the things I did alone as much as before anymore.
Internet, solo trip.......sigh.
Perhaps I just need time to adjust.

Still feels weird.
For four years I always had someone to chat on LINE for almost everyday...and suddenly one day it stopped.
Even though I never like my ex much and we hardly met, the break up is still a change in my life.

Some time ago, I was going to say that I found someone I like here.
But lol I'm gonna save that story for another time when I feel like sharing it.
You know what? It was just too much "drama".
I finally found out what I wanted to know and I'm satisfied. I'd rather not deal with it anymore, since I want to live my life peacefully. There are many guys around me.....and somehow I have always ended up dealing with......the same kind of guy. Haha.

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Life always fucks me up


I used to have no plan every weekend and still felt fine, but since I started working at my department this month I've been feeling this overwhelming sense of loneliness lately.
I used to enjoy staying in my room doing things alone but I don't enjoy it as much as before lately.
Like seriously. I feel this urge to go out and meet someone, anyone, just sit and talk for hours and hours.
But of course nobody has time for that.

Shit.

I know the real reason though.
I never thought I would write something like this on this blog but ugh I can't help it.

For the first time ever in my life, I like another human.
I hated humans. Thought I would never fall in love.
But shit
I don't know why I like this guy so much that it hurts.

My friends tell me that I deserve a better guy.
But still.
He's the one I want right now.

But it's too complicated.
I probably have to give up.

Life always fucks me up.
Every time something good happens, something really bad will follow and prevent me from getting what I want. LOL
4 years having a boyfriend and I felt nothing?
Now when I finally feel 'something', life is suddenly harder for me?
Shit.
Whatever.

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Author:♥vachuu♥
I speak nonsense.
英語は母国語ではないけど英語を使うのが好きな人。

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