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Life always fucks me up


I used to have no plan every weekend and still felt fine, but since I started working at my department this month I've been feeling this overwhelming sense of loneliness lately.
I used to enjoy staying in my room doing things alone but I don't enjoy it as much as before lately.
Like seriously. I feel this urge to go out and meet someone, anyone, just sit and talk for hours and hours.
But of course nobody has time for that.

Shit.

I know the real reason though.
I never thought I would write something like this on this blog but ugh I can't help it.

For the first time ever in my life, I like another human.
I hated humans. Thought I would never fall in love.
But shit
I don't know why I like this guy so much that it hurts.

My friends tell me that I deserve a better guy.
But still.
He's the one I want right now.

But it's too complicated.
I probably have to give up.

Life always fucks me up.
Every time something good happens, something really bad will follow and prevent me from getting what I want. LOL
4 years having a boyfriend and I felt nothing?
Now when I finally feel 'something', life is suddenly harder for me?
Shit.
Whatever.

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Stupid


I repeated the same mistake I made in the past.
It was probably a mistake.
Ah, definitely a mistake.
Why did I fall for that shit again?

Talked with my friend for two hours about this.
And I come to the conclusion again:

I was stupid.
I shouldn't have done it.

But it already happened and I can't go back to the past to change it.
I've been thinking about this again and again in the past few days.
I can't get it out of my head.
Like
Why the fuck did I do that.
I can think of a few reasons.

1. I hate myself so much that I didn't care about whatever the consequences would be (oh yes I deserve it)
2. Life is too boring and I want the thrill

I just want to laugh about it and move on with life if possible,
but like my friend said, nobody knows what will happen in the future as the consequences of my action.
I might get...killed? LOL.

I don't know what I want in this life anymore.
I can only pray that someday everything would finally turn out to be better for me.
I shall...persevere... I won't give up on life that easily.

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Happy


I broke up with my boyfriend three days ago.
It felt.......good. I'm not sad at all. Nothing really changes in my life, except less LINE chats.
4 years is a freaking long time. It's my whole college life. I was stupid....
To be honest, I first thought of ending it on the first week we got together but I didn't have the courage to. I thought my feelings would change later. That I would grow to like him and forgive whatever he did to me.
But it didn't change. Even after 4 years together, I still don't like him much.
There's always something that keeps me from liking him. We just don't match.

His looks is not my type and even tho people say looks doesn't matter, it kept bothering me.
He loves that country, while I hate that country.
He's too smart; everything I can do he can do even better.
He's never satisfied with me. I always feel worthless when I talk to him.
There's no love between us but we used each other for personal benefits.

I can't say exactly why I stayed. It's complicated. I bought his kindness and ended up depending too much on him.
I was a bad person too.

Ah... I'm sort of proud of myself of finally ending it.
I'm a way too nice person and a stupid one too.

There has been a lot of new things in my life lately.
I thought my life would be boring, but it seems to get more interesting from now on......
In high school, I would never have thought of having a boyfriend, having a breakup, or doing things that normal young people do here in the future. I used to think no guy would want to be with me, that I would forever be that emo girl who hates everyone, that I would never have a crush on someone, that I would die as a virgin...
But my life.....turns out to be more normal than I thought. LOL.........
Like really normal. And fun lately.
I'm just really glad I got the opportunity to leave my hometown after high school.

I've been feeling really really happy lately. I got to hang out with my friends and colleagues during the GW holiday. Also got to spend time with someone I really like. Everything is moving really fast lately, but I hope for the best. It's going to be hard, but I will try my best to survive my working life.

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Life update


I haven't updated this blog for more than a month. My life has changed a lot since the last time I updated this blog. I just finished a month training last week and will start working at my department from next week. It's Golden Week holiday here right now.

There are a lot of things that happened.
I don't know where to start. Probably won't write about them all here.
All I can say is that I'm thankful of everything in my life right now.
It takes a while to get used to this new environment, but I'm glad that people I meet so far are nice.
I really really like my colleagues. They're all very nice and we all get along well.
The 2 month training in Tochigi was one of the best times of my life.
Call me exaggerating things, but I haven't felt this happy in the past few years.
It feels like I was back in my junior high school years again.

I'm happy.

Like, really really genuinely happy.
It feels surreal.
What is this feeling??? LOL

And this is why lately I decided to stay honest to myself, and say and do whatever I have in my mind.
If I'm always as passive as I was in my high school and university years, nothing good will happen in my life.
That's at least what I learn so far in life.

Many good things happened in the last few days to me.
I don't know where this will take me, whether this will turn out to be as I wished or not, but I made a promise to myself that I will not give up my goals no matter how hard it is.
I realize more and more everyday that I really like living here.
Probably the depressing news from my hometown contributed to my judgement, but I've always been like this since I was small. I've never liked my hometown and had always wanted to go out because I feel that I don't belong there (the native people always hate my kind anyway). I've always enjoyed talking to foreigners since I was in junior high school. Making friends on the internet when I was 14 years old was the one of the happiest times of my life. Why hadn't I realized that before?

It seems that I'm attracted more to foreigners than to people from my hometown.
And I also don't want to go back to my hometown.

Maybe I should just marry a local person here and live here peacefully.
Don't know whether I could achieve that, but that's my goal so far.
Work hard, marry someone who wants to live here forever (lol....), and live the rest of my life peacefully here, away from the conflicts of religions/discrimination against my kind/corruption etc. that's been going on forever in my hometown.

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That time I had to rely on my skills to get a driving license


I had driving test yesterday to get my Japanese driving license.

Some things you should know about me:
- I don't drive. Got my license two years ago without even taking the test in my country during spring holiday. And I was living in Japan too. (so I don't really get to drive much. and didn't want to)
- I don't in particular like driving. I suck. The roads back home are too scary. I can't park the car. Can never park the car without my dad's instructions.
- I practiced driving a little with my dad and boyfriend back when I was on holiday in Jakarta, but still...suck. lol.

I mean....LOL. There must a be a miracle for me to pass the driving test.

The process is long. I applied for this and passed the written test in February, but I could only booked the driving test a month later. Damn. But that gives me time to do other things.....such as practicing for the test.
I took 2 x 2 hours driving practice in Saitama. A week before the test and a day before the test. Paid 32,400 yen for that (this was the CHEAPEST practice lesson I found. Other places were 50,000 yen and up) And I'm glad I took it. I really really needed that. I totally sucked in my first two hours. But I started to get a hang of it a day before the test!

So...yesterday I had to go to the exam center in Fuchu because the one in Samezu is still under renovation. Quite far and expensive from my house. Well, only had to change train once in Shinjuku and then use the bus from Musashi-koganei...but still, far. The test was scheduled at 8:30 am. I had to sleep early and wake up early just for that day.
I arrived at the gate at 7:45 and people were already queuing to get inside the building! It opened at around 8 am.

We had to wait again after paying for the test fee until 9 am for the police to come explain about the test. One police officer explained that test will be conducted in Japanese and there are 3 courses, those who pass the test will get pink slip (which he said symbolizes spring and sakura?) while those who fail will get white slip, etc. He then told us that we can see Mt.Fuji from the window on the third floor because it's sunny that day. He also told us that they the policemen don't get paid much so they cannot return your bag or money if you leave it on the third floor and it gets stolen or lost. Oh, also that the cute mascot of the police department is based on his face (???? but he then said just kidding). LOL

After that another police officer started calling our names and we had to stand in line before going downstairs. There were in total 20 people doing the driving test that morning. We were divided into 2 groups. I was in group 2, and the LAST to do the test. How lucky.

We were taken to a classroom where they explained about the test further (about how the test will be conducted in Japanese and the police will only use simple Japanese so those who don't understand Japanese much should remember simple directions like left and right in Japanese), before we would go down to the driving course to take the test. We then waited in the waiting room while number 1 and 2 from each groups got into the cars and began the test. The test is structured so that while number 1 takes the test, number 2 sits in the back of the car.

And you know what, the examiner for group 2 was an old police officer! And a young one for group 1. When I saw that from the waiting room, I was like. THANK GOD. This was what my friend told me: the old one is usually more kind and generous!
While waiting, I just chatted with the other test takers. They also had prepared for the test by taking driving practices. The Americans I spoke to even had the practice at this driving course we're gonna use for the test! So lucky. But anyway those are more expensive than the one I took of course, hahah. I don't have that much money.

My turn to get into the car came after a long time waiting....
As I was the last one, I had to sit in the back of the car while number 9 was driving (I could observe her first!), but no one sat in the back of the car while I was driving. It was only me and the police officer. Yeah.

Number 9 and I got Course B. She passed the test! And then it was my turn. I was super paranoid when I drove, I think. I tried really hard to show that I drive very carefully (because it's one of the most important things in the test!!). It went...fine I guess. Passed through the crank just fine! The S-curve was harder than the one I practiced... But the police was very nice. He guided me throughout the S-curve! I ended up not bumping into anything and exited the curve smoothly.

I was the last one to finish the test. There were no other cars when I started driving down the course.
And...........he told me I passed.
I was like flkgjsdflgjdkglfigjfdlg thank you thank you this is actually my last chance because I have to move to Yokohama and shit after this so I can't take the test again in Tokyo if I fail etc etc. He's very nice!
He then said that women always drive better than men, because men tend to speed up and ignore safety check. He said it's good to drive very carefully. LOL.
I left with the pink slip and went to the third floor again.

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Out of 20 people taking the test that morning, only 8 people passed the test! I feel so lucky.
I ate and chatted with the other two people who passed the test while waiting for the driving license to be issued.
At almost around 2:30 pm we finally got our licenses! What a long day! But I also made new friends on that day so the waiting wasn't so boring. Celebrated it with eating chocolate parfait at a family restaurant afterwards with one of my new friends. XD

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I have a Japanese driving license now. I'm allowed to drive in Japan. I can rent a car and drive to wherever I want to go. I can drive my parents and friends around.
I can't believe someone like me passed that test on the first try.
Many aren't as lucky as me. People in the waiting room kept talking about how their friends took the test 3-9 times...
And that the passing rate is the lowest in this Fuchu test center. (Samezu is said to be easier)

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Author:♥vachuu♥
I speak nonsense.
英語は母国語ではないけど英語を使うのが好きな人。

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